Solstice
by Narasen
Summary: A two-shot companion to my story Broken Dawn; just a little bit of the story that didn't quite feel finished to me. Thank you to every single wonderful person that read and reviewed Broken Dawn! I hope you all enjoy this companion, too.
1. Chapter 1

_**Prologue:**_

_The winter solstice is the longest night of the year, the night in which the Earth's axial tilt is farthest from the sun. Cultures around the world have celebrated this night as a night of rebirth; but for me, it was symbolic of a death. A premature burial of sorts, the night when I would have to put to rest any longings for the life I had left behind. _

_The winter solstice, the longest night of the year. When one night is all you have left, even the year's longest and darkest seems to be too short._

_Chapter One_

_I never completely abandoned my memories of my human life; the visit to Forks with Emmett was not my last, though I never revealed myself. I hoped that the rain would wash away my scent, and I was always careful to stay downwind of the house, just in case._

_There were things about Emmett that sometimes brought Jake to mind... His size, the joy that was such an inextricable part of him, the vital masculinity. His boyish sense of humor and bravado... Then there were times that he reminded me of Edward, with his golden eyes and white skin. Apart from the rest of the family, I came to know a quiet, pensive side of him that I had not credited him with at first, a side of him that was thoughtful and intelligent, just like Edward. Though he had characteristics that reminded me of the two great loves of my human life, he was still wholly and completely Emmett. Thoroughly himself and comfortable in his own skin, he brought out a kind of happiness in me I didn't know I could feel. I laughed with Emmett in a way I had never been able to laugh with Edward. I don't know how much of my growing up was due to my change, and how much could be attributed to the simple passing of time, but I learned that the insecure teenage girl I used to be was completely and utterly wrong, on so many counts. Just because Edward was my first love, did not mean that he was meant to be the strongest of my existence. How many people can truly say that they're still with the first person that ever touched their heart? By holding myself to that immovable logic, I had hurt Jacob so deeply that it still sang in me sometimes. But I have been reconciled with the choices I made, because they've led me to a wonderful life with Emmett; a love full of laughter and based on mutual respect and admiration. With Emmett, I have never felt like I was less than he is, or that we were inequally matched. We were strong and beautiful together._

_Renesmee adored him beyond reason, and every new accomplishment or bit of knowledge was an occasion for the two of them to celebrate._

_After Charlie and Sue married, I would sometimes go back to visit. From the a high branch in the woods of the backyard, I watched the lives of the humans I had loved unfold._

_I hoped that my occasional spying wouldn't be enough to cause a new generation of Quileute wolves; I wanted the pack's decendents to be free from the worry of battle, and the loss of will that accompanied imprinting. The rest of my family agreed wth me, and we never settled in Forks again._

_I also never spoke to Jacob again. I thought of him every day, and occasionally saw him when I hid in the trees behind Charlie's house. At first, he looked completely broken, and haunted, but as time passed he began to stand up straighter and to resemble my Jacob more. When I saw him drive up with a small, dark haired girl, I rejoiced that Jacob had finally found love. I often saw them walking up the driveway together, and my cold, still heart sang when I recognized the thickening of her middle and the glow in her cheeks. I toyed with the idea of sending him a letter, or calling to let him know that I hadn't actually died in the fabricated skiing accident, but in the end, I didn't. I decided to be as selfless as Edward always insisted I was, and to let him heal in any way that he could. Knowing that I had changed was sure to be more than he could bear, even though the logical part of me knew that he was already completely aware of that fact. I hoped that his new love was worthy of him, and that he would find as much joy in being a parent as I had. _

_Edward visited on occasion, taking as much joy in his daughter as his guilt would allow. He eventually forgave me, but was never able to completely smother his bitterness towards Emmett, whom he accused of taking advantage of my weakness and dependence on his strength. He never credited me with any strength of my own, but he did meet a "cousin" of Tanya's when he was visiting Denali. Quiet and shy, Raisa was the submissive mate that Edward had always needed. Although we never lived together as a family, we were all able to be civil, at first for Renesmee's sake, then later out of a sort of mutual respect._

_In a fit of mortification, Nahuel explained to us one night that his sisters all had menstrual cycles when they reached maturity, thus insuring that they could also have children. He claimed to have only told me so that I could be prepared when the day came, I often found myself wondering about his feelings for her; as the only female of his species that was not related to him by blood, it was a logical conclusion. I decided to cross that bridge when it came, but I was much more cautious about leaving them alone together when she began to grow into a young woman._

_The wedding was a small one, with Garrett of the Denali clan officiating and Carlisle giving me away. I felt no compunction about this wedding, which led me to understand that the first one had been a mistake, albeit one that was worth every second because it gifted me with Renesmee._

_We wrote our own vows, and Emmett surprised everyone but me with his choice of words. _

_"Bella, I won't make you a lot of unlikely promises. I can't bring you any celestial bodies, should you decide that you want them. It's exceedingly likely that I will, at some point, disappoint you somehow or make you angry. Just like you will somehow disappoint me and make me angry. I don't have such an unrealistic idea of us that I believe that there will never be an argument, or hurt feelings. I can, however, say without doubt that I will always do everything in my power to make you happy. I will fight for you, should it become necessary; I will take care of you should you ever find yourself hurt or unwell. I will keep your secrets and your heart safe._

_In my life, I've burned a lot of bridges. Now, I find myself feeling grateful for the fact that there are rivers and oceans and planets worth of change that I can't go back across; all of those one-way bridges led me here, to the place where I found you holding all of my hopes suspended from the tips of your fingers. I have come a long way to find you, and I never want to go back."_

_With a strangled voice and a surplus of venom stinging my joyous eyes, I answered him._

_"Emmett, I know that this road we're on is bound to be difficult sometimes. Like anything else, it will come with it's share of pain and disappointments, but I am willing to weather them gratefully if, in the end, I have you by my side. There are things that a person must be taught, and there are things that come easily, with no instruction necessary. Effortlessly...instinctual. I have always followed my instincts, sometimes to my own detriment. Suddenly, all of those mistakes and missteps seem like a prerequisite. Like maybe they were essential, and they were leading me here to the foot of this mountain. Without those moments, I would never be the person that I am. This woman I have become is worthy of you in a way that I never would have been, even a year and a half ago. Because of the pain that I've unintentionally inflicted upon myself, I am able to treasure you all the more. It's both overwhelming and slightly amusing to realize that all of this is a result of an impulsive decision. More accurately, the result of a hundred impulsive decisions... but I love you more than I have ever loved anything in my existence, and I am proud to share that existence with you."_

I closed the journal with a sigh, and set it aside. Because of my perfect recall, it didn't matter that three and a half years had passed since Emmett and I got married; I could describe the event as if it were happening before me.

Renesmee had recently outgrown some of her more childlike pursuits, and seemed to be in the throes of pre-teen angst at the age of four. The only person who could soothe her was Emmett, who made her laugh, despite her best efforts.

We were living in Pemberton, British Colombia. There were a few provincial parks nearby with plentiful wildlife, and the town was small enough to somehow remind me of Forks. The proximity made it convenient for me to make my rare visits more of a regular occurrence, which worried me for the pack, but I couldn't help myself.

Jacob had a daughter; I'd overheard that her name was Sarah. I shouldn't have been surprised that he would name his daughter after the mother he'd lost at such a young age, but it caused my throat to feel thick and my eyes to sting when I learned of it. His wife, Naomi, was pregnant again. I knew that I needed to keep my distance; Leah had proven that the shape shifter gene could be passed to the female children as well as the males, and I cringed away from the idea that the beautiful little girl I sometimes saw in his arms, fighting against vampires alongside her father and his pack.

"Hey, Half-pint!" Emmett wrapped his arms around me from behind, planting a light kiss on my neck. "Writing again? I'm getting jealous of that pen… I know something else you could wrap your fingers around."

I chuckled at him, snuggling into his hard chest. "Mmm, hold that thought. It's time for Esme and I to start Renesmee's lessons for the day." He groaned and let me go, but not before planting a chaste kiss on the top of my head.

We'd decided that the only logical way to educate Renesmee was to home school her; there was no way on Earth that we could send her to public school with her rate of growth and the strength that she couldn't quite control. I grimaced anytime I thought of her in a normal PE class, picturing crumbling plaster and deflated basketballs. Sometimes, I thought of injured human students. No, it simply was not possible to send her to school. Though I often worried about the social skills that she'd be missing out on, I tried to push the thoughts from my mind when they came. There was no way around it, and I hoped that the frequent visitors from Denali and the Amazon would help her learn social graces.

Ah, the Amazon. They'd come up to visit while we were still living in New York, intrigued by the story that Edward had told them when he was searching for Nahuel and Huilen. Renesmee and Zafrina had struck up a fast friendship when Renesmee had discovered the huge vampire's gift for creating visions. She was entranced with what she called Zafrina's "pretty pictures," and they spent hours trading the things they saw in their minds. I was a bit envious of the relationship; I could see the things that Renesmee showed me because she seemed to be able to penetrate any shield, but Zafrina's visions could only come to me second hand, through Renesmee.

When we'd moved to Canada, Esme had selected a property that included two guest houses. Alice and Jasper's house was the closest to the main house, and the one Emmett, Renesmee and I shared was a bit farther back on the property. We'd found it to be an ideal situation; Esme got more houses to renovate, and Alice got to use an entire third bedroom as a walk-in closet fit for a Hollywood starlet. Jasper's small study served as a sanctuary for him to be free of the emotional climate of others, though he spent little time there. We were all so happy, he couldn't resist being around us.

Truly, we'd had no problems to speak of since I returned from Italy. The Volturi were no longer hovering on the horizon, Edward had found as much happiness as he was ever capable of with Raisa, and Rosalie had been taken out by the Quileutes before she'd had a chance to harm my father. The only issue we had was my own; my inability to stop spying on my human family. I knew that the rest of the Cullens disapproved of my actions in varying degrees, but only Carlisle was willing to discuss it with me.

"Bella," he'd said, in his soothing manner, "we all understand that you miss your father and Jacob Black, but you must think of the repercussions of your actions. Because Alice can not see the wolves, she would not be able to see if one of them discovered you in the trees. It would be impossible for us to get to you in time if you were found; we could only sit here in horror as your future disappeared. I beg of you, please limit your visits to Washington as much as you can bear. If Jacob found you, he might allow you to leave without a fight because of his love for you, but I can not be so sure of the rest of the pack. Especially the younger Quileutes like Colin and Brady, who did not know you when you lived in Forks, and would not be able to differentiate between you and any other vampire." I had nodded along as he spoke, all the time knowing that I was going to disregard his advice. I already _was_ limiting my visits as much as I could bear… I was desperate for knowledge of the humans I had left behind. I hoped that their lives were unfolding happily, and deep inside, I wished that I could make a place for myself in them.

As I made my way to the main house where Renesmee and Esme were waiting for me to begin the day's lessons, I thought about the things that I had left behind.

**Jacob POV**

"Damn it, Naomi! Where is Sarah's diaper bag? I can't find anything in this fucking house!" I could feel the frustration sinking in to my bones, threatening to take over. When we found out that Naomi was pregnant again, I decided to stop phasing so that I could age with her. Actually, Naomi decided. Ever since then, it felt like I was always fighting to keep my temper in check, and the slightest things could send me into a rage.

"Jacob, calm down. It's in her room, in the cabinet under the changing table. Is she wet, or dirty?" She came to stand in the doorway, drying her hands on a raggedy old dish towel.

"She's fucking dirty, and she stinks to high heaven." I sat the baby down and she tottered over to her toy box. I knew I should grab her before she got too wrapped up in playing, but having her occupied while I searched for her bag was just too tempting. Naomi sighed and picked her up, gently placing her on the table and starting to undress her.

"Just go, Jake. Go for a run or something." I handed her the bag that I'd finally found, and took off.

****

I ran down the streets of La Push in my work coveralls, not paying any attention to the pounding rain or the cars whizzing past me. The imprinting thing was just as I suspected: a crock of shit. Sure, I would gladly die for Sarah, but the love I had for Naomi seemed forced on me. I loved her, but I knew that I wouldn't have looked at her twice if I didn't have the stupid fucking Magic Quileute gene that forced me to see her in a different light. Or maybe I would… there was something about her, in certain light, that reminded me so forcefully of Bella that it felt like a punch in the gut. She was small and pale, with long dark hair and big brown eyes; she was ten times more graceful than Bella, but didn't have the same spirit, the same _fire_ I had loved in Bella.

As I ran, I tried to focus on my breath to keep the other thoughts at bay. I didn't want to remember the look on Billy's face when he met Naomi for the first time, and saw all of the Bella in her that I saw. Or the reproach in Sam's face when he caught me thinking about it.

"Jacob," he'd said to me one night, while we were having a beer after we finished patrols, "this is not healthy. You have imprinted, and if you will only focus the energy on Naomi that your body wants you to, this thing you still have for Bella would disappear. _Naomi_ is the one for you, perfectly matched to you in every way."

"No," I said, through gritted teeth, "_she_ is not matched to me perfectly. _I_ am being forced to match myself perfectly to _her_ needs. I become whatever she wants for me, because it's easier that way. She wants a houseful of kids, so we're starting work on the second one. She wants me to stop phasing, so I'll probably give in to that eventually. She wants me to keep working for Dowling's instead of opening my own shop, so that dream is shot to shit. Everything I want becomes secondary to her needs, and it makes me fucking sick. I wouldn't feel this way about her if I wasn't forced into it by the fucking Cullens. Do you realize that _every_ problem, every hurt, every little thing that got screwed up along the way happened because they happened to settle in this part of the country? If they'd stayed away, you would never have broken Leah's heart, _Bella_ would be pregnant with my child right now, and Naomi would have found a man that loves her because he wants to, not because he has to." Sam glared at me, angry that I broached the sore subject of Leah.

"You're right, I never would have broken Leah's heart. But I wouldn't have Emily, who I actually _do_ love because I want to, and neither of us would have the children we have now." I snorted at him, and I could see him forcibly restraining his own anger.

"No, Sam. We wouldn't have the children we have now. But we'd have other children that we would have loved just as much, without all of the messy complications and all the pure fucking _heartbreak_ that came along with imprinting and fighting. And it's not just about us. Embry is scared to death to date, because he's afraid he'll imprint and hurt someone. What if he never does? He'll spend the rest of his life alone for fear of something that might never happen. Quil gets the joyous task of explaining to a little girl that her life was decided for her before she was potty-trained. You're so full of "tribal pride" that you don't see how fucked this whole thing is." With that, I threw the beer bottle into the trashcan hard enough to shatter it, and ran home.

These were the thoughts that accompanied me on what was supposed to be a peaceful run to sort out my thoughts. The trouble was, my thoughts didn't need sorting out; they were in perfect order. I knew exactly where I stood on everything in my head.

The sound of my thundering footsteps on the cracked pavement became the rhythm that I focused on. _Bel-la. Bel-la. Bel-la. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two_

**Jacob POV**

We were at Charlie's when I caught it: the bloodsucker that I didn't know. Fresh.

I sent Naomi in with Sarah, giving her the "I mean business" look so that I knew she wouldn't come back out. Her eyes wide with fear, she just nodded and went inside, smiling at Charlie and telling him that I would be in later. I don't know how she explained it to him, but he didn't come out looking for me.

I ran into the woods, glad that I hadn't gotten out of the habit of keeping a change of clothes in the car. I didn't even wait to strip, I just phased as soon as I made the cover of the trees. I followed the scent until I heard the leech running, and then I really pulled out all the stops. I was running like my life depended on it, and I finally cut her off.

"It's me… it's Bella. Please, I wasn't going to hurt anybody. I'll leave now, and I'll never come back. Just please, let's not fight." My heart was pounding like it was going to come out of my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I ran behind a tree and phased back, hoping like hell that none of the pack had been in wolf form when I spotted her.

"Bella," I said, struggling to keep my voice calm, "I'm going back to my car to put on some clothes. Please, stay here until I get back. No one is going to fight. Not tonight, anyway."

I fumbled with my clothes and tore ass back into the woods, sure that she'd be gone when I got back, but there she stood, smelling like too much, too sweet perfume. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I hoped that my voice didn't give me away; as fucked up as it was, I was glad that she was alive. Well, as alive as a leech could be. Part of me had been afraid for years that she'd died when they tried to change her.

"I… I couldn't help it, Jake. I just wanted to see you guys, to know that everybody was ok. I just missed you all so much." She bowed her head, just like she used to do when she was human and trying to hide the fact that she was blushing. God, she really was still Bella, as much as I had believed she would turn into something else. I felt the old familiar friendship underneath the thundering of my thoughts, and I just wanted to hug her so bad I couldn't stand it.

"It's okay, Bells. I understand. I--" before I finished the sentence, I felt something crash into me, knocking the air out of my lungs. She had her arms around me, sobbing noisily. Just like the old days, I started smoothing her hair and trying to comfort her. "Shh, Bells… don't cry. It's okay, I'm here."

**Bella POV**

"_Shh, Bells… don't cry. It's okay, I'm here."_ I thought I was going to fall apart right there. I just kept clinging to him like a life preserver, not even caring that he really did smell an awful lot like a nose full of wet dog. The Cullens hadn't been playing it up; it was rough.

"I'm so sorry, Jake. I wanted to hide, I was afraid I'd turn your kids into wolves if I got too close, but I just wanted to check on everybody. It's been so hard, not seeing you. Especially since Edward left; sometimes I feel like I don't have a link to my old life left. Emmett didn't really know me that well when I was human, and I just missed you so much…" I felt his body trembling, and I had the presence of mind to let him go, backing up slowly with my hands in front of me. "Whoa, Jake…. It's okay. I'm sorry, I won't get that close again."

"He. _Left?_ The leech. He _left you?" _his eyes were darkening, and I began to realize the reason that he was so upset; he thought that I had given my life for Edward, and that he'd left me anyway.

"Yes, he's gone. But it was… it was complicated. There's a lot going on, it would take me days to tell you all of it." I stammered and stuttered, hoping desperately to diffuse the situation before the angry werewolf in front of me tore me to pieces.

"Come back here. Tomorrow, at sunset. We apparently have a lot to talk about."

****

The day was long, and I was grateful for the thousandth time that no one in the house could get inside my head. I pulled Alice aside, explaining to her why I was going to disappear again so she wouldn't overreact and put the whole family on alert.

"Alice, I _promise_ you, it's going to be safe. I just need to see him one more time. One time when we aren't angry and at each other's throats." I grimaced as I remembered the last time I had seen him before his finding me in the woods; _Seth pulling him away from me at my wedding_.

"Bella, I've told you and told you that werewolves are not good company to keep, but you're too stubborn to listen to anyone," she sighed. "Please, try not to get yourself mauled. I'll be watching you like a hawk, so your future had better appear well before sunrise." I sagged with relief, and hugged her.

"You're the best sister ever. Can you--"

"I won't tell anyone. Even Emmett. That is, unless I don't hear from you. Don't be reckless with your safety, Bella. We all need you too much." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "Take a change of clothes so you can shower somewhere after you're done hanging out with him, or I won't be able to keep your secrets for you."

****

At sunset, I was sitting in the tree that Jake and I had been standing under when he caught up to me the night before. It wasn't long before I smelled him, and could hear the almost silent sounds of his approach.

"Jake," I stage whispered, "is that you?"

"Yeah, Bells." He appeared from behind a tree, looking for all the world like my Jacob. No hardness in his face, only a bit of caution and a lot of hope. "I've got to say, you look good. I'm glad you're still Bella under there, though. And I'm sorry if it's rude, but I liked the old you better."

"It's not rude. Well, it probably is, but that's just who you are," I laughed. "I'm surprised you're speaking to me at all." I held my breath, waiting for his reply. Things could not continue so well, I was sure.

"Well, like I said, you're still Bella. I didn't think you would be, but you are." He flopped down against the tree, and I leapt nimbly down to sit beside him. "See, that's something you could never have done. I would have cried to see you in a tree before, afraid you'd break your neck. Now, I'm only afraid you'll break mine," he said, with a mischievous smile.

"It is nice to know that I can actually do some damage if I punch you in the face, now." I winked at him, as I settled myself on the ground. I leaned my head on his shoulder, and felt him shudder. "Sorry," I muttered as I pulled away.

"No Bells, it's fine. It just takes some… getting used to. You're really cold." He put his arm around me, and I could tell he was holding his breath. "So," he said, wincing as he inhaled, "what happened with the bl--with Edward? You said he left you?"

I snuggled closer into him, ignoring the smell. Really, it was just slightly unpleasant now, not overpowering. "Yeah, he's been gone for almost four years."

Jacob grabbed my hand, and sneered. "But you're still wearing his wedding ring? You never were one to let go, Bells." I took my hand back and fondled the rings with affection.

"No, these aren't Edward's rings. It's a long story, and I promise I'll get there. Are you settled in for a long night?" I asked, hoping for an answer in the affirmative. I wasn't ready to let go of this link to my humanity, however ephemeral. He nodded, and I began. "Well, when I came home from my honeymoon…"

****

Jake sat next to me, in shock. "So you had to do it. You didn't make the choice, in the end. If you hadn't done it, you would have died." The thought seemed to comfort him, so I nodded. "Wow. A kid, huh? And you married Edward's _brother._ I mean, I guess the dating pool is pretty limited when you're undead, but damn._"_

"I love him, Jake. It's totally different than it was with Edward. He doesn't make my decisions for me. He doesn't even try. He just lets me… be me. " Jacob's jaw tightened, and I pulled away to look at him.

"Yeah. Like I would have. I wanted you to just 'be Bella,' too. I wanted it so bad I thought I was going to die from it. And I guess you still are, in a way, but you could have been Bella with a pulse, with me." I looked at him agape, not sure of how to proceed.

"But Jake, I mean… you imprinted. You found your perfect someone. I wasn't that girl. If I'd stayed here, been with you, you would have left me because you stopped to help someone change a flat tire!" I couldn't understand why he seemed so distant, all of a sudden.

"You're right," he sighed. "I'm sorry, Bells. Yeah, I imprinted. But even that didn't make me forget how much I loved you, how much I worried about you. Knowing that you're safe, and alive, at least in some form, helps. It's just not what I thought it would be. I thought I would imprint, and I would magically stop loving you. I should have known I wouldn't. I mean, Sam still loves Leah to this day. That's what makes it so hard for her to move on. She sees in his thoughts that he still loves her, so there's a little part of her that won't let her let go."

"Jake, things are different now. You know they are. You've been holding on to me for so long, it's like second nature to you. I'm happy now, and you would approve of Emmett, if you gave him a chance. He's a lot like you, in some ways. Please, Jacob. Be happy. For me."

"I'm trying, Bells. I want to be happy for all of us, to be happy and to not think about the past, but I just can't help it. I mean, I never saw you again after I acted like a dick at your wedding. I didn't know if you really had died when they tried to change you, or if you'd gone crazy and were offing people left and right because of the whole newborn thing… I just didn't know. I think that, having some closure will make it easier. I do love Naomi," he said, fiercely. Almost defensively, actually. "I love her and I love my kids. We have a good life, Bella. I don't want you thinking that I don't love her just because I told you that I still wonder about you."

I nodded, my throat feeling thick. "I know you love her, Jake. I've seen you with her, going into Charlie's or coming out to the car… I've been watching you two for a long time. It never crossed my mind that you didn't love her, and I am so, so happy that you've found someone." I let out an explosive breath, and leaned back against the tree with a bit more force than I intended. Bits of bark came showering down on us like confetti, but the tree stayed in place.

"You know this is the only time we can ever see each other, right?" He eyed me with something that looked like regret, and I nodded as he continued. "I'm trying to stop phasing, and being around you isn't going to make that any easier. It's a biological thing, and I can't help it. Even if you're not a vampire that I want to kill, you're still a vampire. My body wants to phase when I'm near you. Let's have the goodbye we should have had before, Bells. You and me, talking and comfortable like we used to be in my little garage." He looked around at the forest surrounding us, and his eyes glittered with memories and mirth. "I mean, this is no Taj Mahal, but it'll do." We both laughed, and I grabbed his hand in mine; I was pleased to note that he didn't shudder this time. "So, what's it like? Being a vampire, I mean. Do you want to kill me right now?" He shot me his boyish smile, and I felt the cold, still heart in my chest swell with happiness.

"Not at all," I said, theatrically plugging my nose. "You smell terrible, too, you know." He laughed, and I continued. "It's great, in some ways. I never trip over anything, I can hear and see for miles. I have a wonderful life with Emmett, and my daughter is a joy unlike anything I've ever experienced before. Then again, it's hard sometimes, too." I felt my chest convulsing with tears I could not shed.

"What's wrong, Bells? Why do you keep looking like you want to cry, but you can't?" His concern was touching, and I took a deep breath before answering.

"I can't cry, first of all. No tears. The only thing that happens is the sobbing, and my throat gets tight. My eyes sting like they would if I were crying in a human body, but it's only the venom. I can't cry, and that's weird. It's… it's like a war inside of me, sometimes. I want, so much. I just...want. I want my human life, I want the new one I've found. I want to find a way to mesh all of you together, and I can't." I rested my head on my arms, which were propped up on my bent knees.

"No, Bells. You can't. You knew when you picked this life that there were going to be things that you couldn't get back. You chose to die for someone that you loved, but you lost him. That's got to suck, and I wish I could blow right through that goddamned treaty and tear him to pieces for you, but I can't. Hey, tell me about Renesmee. What is she like?" Just like always, Jake knew exactly how to change the subject to something that wasn't painful.

****

I stood in the shower in a hotel room in Port Angeles, sobbing violently, but still feeling sated, somehow. I had finally gotten the closure that I so desperately needed, and I hoped that I had been able to offer some to Jacob as well.

He'd told me all about how Charlie and Sue's happy marriage, about how Seth had taken over my room and turned it into a cave full of pictures of half-naked women draped over sports cars and littered with grease stained coveralls; he was working with Jake at Dowling's and trying to convince him to open his own garage. He told me about the kids that Sam and Emily had, and that Leah was thinking about not phasing anymore… He caught me up on my old life, and tactfully avoided any mention of the damage that the news of my death had dealt to the people I loved.

I knew that Jacob loved Naomi; I only hoped that he knew how much he loved her. He had been holding on to me so desperately, maybe out of fear, that he had never given himself a chance to fully feel everything he was capable of for her. I hoped that our visit would change some of that.

Part of me rebelled against the idea that I could never go back to Forks, but the logical part of me knew that I had to stay away. I had found everything I was looking for when Jacob discovered me in the woods. Seeking them out again for more knowledge would be the pinnacle of selfishness.

When I got out of the shower and wrapped myself in one of the thick towels, I made the conscious decision to go home, and to never return to Forks. I wiped the steam off of the mirror and waved at my reflection, knowing that Alice could see me.

The journey back to Pemberton was uneventful, and I realized all over again the depth of my love for Emmett as I stroked the interior of my truck lovingly. How well he knew me! I shuddered to think of the ostentatious sports car that Edward would have no doubt chosen for me, and smiled to myself at my good fortune. I'd had three great loves in my life; three more than some people ever had. I had found the depths of myself to be strong and worthy of the wonderful man that I had married, and there could be no more looking back. Finally, the last hole in my chest sealed itself shut, and I drove away from the last remnants of my humanity with pride.


End file.
